By Debra Higgins
RN SANE-A, SANE-P
SafeHouse Forensic Services Director
Read more about Deb: Interview with a Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (SANE)
Growing up in the 80’s era, we had the best all-time big haired rock music and the most epic break-up songs ever—from Poison’s “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”, Pat Benatar’s “Love is a Battlefield”, and even though it came from the 90s, we CANNOT forget Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” (big sigh).
February is the ultimate month to celebrate loving, happy, healthy relationships. But if it is filled with “What’s Love Got to Do with It?” moments, know that you are not alone. Love is not supposed to hurt; it should not be abusive, unhealthy or toxic. Domestic violence is a pattern of controlling behaviors that one partner uses to get power over the other. It can include physical violence or threat of physical violence to get control, emotional or mental abuse, strangulation, and sexual abuse.
Did you know that nearly 24 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States? During one year, that equates to more than 12 million men and women. Did you know that on a typical day, there are more that 20,000 phone calls placed to domestic violence and sexual assault hotlines nationwide.
NO ONE deserves “Tainted Love.” Here are a few tips to help:
- Set and Communicate Boundaries
To create a safe and respectful environment, both partners must have boundaries that are comfortable and valued. It is completely normal for these boundaries to be crossed at some times. However you must be able to communicate that it made you uncomfortable, and your partner must honor and respect it. Reversely, respect and honor when your partner expresses concerns or their un-comfortability about a topic or action. - Prioritize Self-Care
It’s important to maintain a sense of self in a relationship. It’s easy to get so wrapped up in the love of the relationship that it becomes your entire life, but you must have a sense of individuality outside of the relationship. If it seems like you and your partner are struggling with co-dependency, use #1Setting Boundaries as a starting conversation about expectations of alone time. Then practice #3 if there are disagreements. - Understand How to Handle Disagreements and Conflicts
It is absolutely normal for there to be conflicts and disagreements in a relationship. In fact, it would be very unusual for a relationship to NEVER have any kind of conflict. However, it is how you resolve the disagreements that build the foundation of the relationship. It’s about treating each other with respect, actively listening, and working together towards a resolution. Insults or belittling during conflict are a form of emotional abuse, and it is not a healthy way to solve the issues. You should never feel afraid to express yourself, and your relationship should be a safe space to do so. - Recognize Signs of Abuse
Relationships are complex and will look different to each person, but they should never be harmful. Abuse can take shape in many different ways, including one or more of the following: physical, emotional, financial, digital, or verbal abuse. Abuse can look like threatening or enacting physical harm, isolating you from friends and family, controlling your finances, “stalking” your social media or digital footprint, or degrading you. If you recognize one sign, it is possible for there to be more. - Seek Support
You are not alone. If you are struggling in your relationship or have experienced abuse or trauma, it’s important to reach out to someone. This could be trusted friends or family, a counselor, or a domestic violence advocate who can help guide and provide assistance. There are resources available to you.
It’s time to tell that person in your life, the one that is hurting you and not loving you, to “Beat It.”
It’s time for a “Holiday” away from abuse. “Don’t Stop Believing” in yourself. It’s time for a “Celebration” of YOU.
If you need help, call SafeHouse: 205-669-7233
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