How Bystanders Can Stop Sexual and Domestic Violence
“I know some people didn’t step in to help because they were afraid it might make things worse for me,” Sarah* says, shaking her head. “At least, that’s what I have to believe.”
At a Domestic Violence Awareness event, Sarah has just spoken publicly for the first time about the three years of horrific, life-threatening abuse she suffered at the hands of her ex-husband. Although many people—including law enforcement—were aware of the abuse’s severity, Sarah was largely left to endure it alone while doing her best to protect herself and her children.
Why Don’t More People Step In?
So why do so many people hesitate to step in when they see someone suffering? There are several key reasons:
Fear of Making Things Worse:
As Sarah explained, many bystanders worry that drawing attention to the situation might trigger retaliation from the abuser. Perpetrators are often very skilled at concealing their abusive behavior behind a facade of respectability. They may be well-known in the community and use their status or position to silence dissent. When a bystander threatens that image, the abuser may lash out violently or further isolate the victim.
Uncertainty About How to Intervene:
Often, people freeze because they’re unsure how to help. They wonder, “Would the victim even want my help? What if I confront the abuser and make things worse?” Many potential helpers are caught between a desire to assist and a lack of confidence in their ability to intervene safely and effectively. This hesitation means that, even when someone wants to help, their uncertainty prevents them from taking action.
Belief in “Keeping It Private”:
Some people hold the view that domestic violence is a private matter. There’s a persistent cultural notion that what happens in a relationship should remain within the relationship. This “don’t air your dirty laundry” mentality discourages intervention, even when abuse is ongoing. It assumes that family issues should not be discussed publicly, even if the victim’s safety is at stake.
These barriers contribute to a dangerous misconception: that domestic violence and sexual assault are merely private issues, when in fact they have enormous individual and public costs. The reality is that these issues affect entire communities—not only the survivors but also their children, the local economy, and the broader social fabric.
The Importance of Bystander Intervention
This is where bystander intervention becomes so critical. A bystander is someone who witnesses a problematic situation and faces a choice: do nothing, intervene in a way that could worsen the situation, or act to support the victim. Unfortunately, many bystanders do nothing out of fear or uncertainty. That’s why training in bystander intervention is so important—it equips ordinary people with the tools they need to make a positive difference.
Here are our top 5 tips for becoming a better bystander:
1. Work with Your Own Personality:
Understand your strengths and limitations. If you’re a non-confrontational introvert, it might not be wise to pledge to directly confront an abuser. Instead, consider reaching out privately to the victim later on, offering support in a way that feels natural for you.
2. De-escalate Whenever Possible:
If you feel compelled to intervene during a problematic situation, consider de-escalation techniques first. Humor can sometimes defuse tension—many online suggestions include pretending you know the victim well to offer help indirectly. Always consider your own safety; if you’re in a position of privilege or physical strength, you might be able to speak directly to the perpetrator, but never at the risk of your own well-being.
3. Call for Assistance:
Sometimes the best intervention is to bring in professional help. For instance, think about this story of a woman in a retail shop who noticed something was wrong with a customer. Instead of intervening directly, she surreptitiously gathered details and called the police—potentially saving someone’s life without putting herself at risk.
4. Practice Indirect Intervention:
Intervening doesn’t always mean physically stepping in. You can use your voice by calling out sexist language or standing up against harassing behavior. When people in positions of power, especially men, speak up against discrimination or harassment, it can change the culture and make the environment safer for everyone.
5. Know Your Limits:
Remember, the outcome of your intervention is not entirely your responsibility—as long as you act ethically and safely. If you reach out and the victim still returns to the perpetrator, know that you did your part. Your role is to provide support, not to shoulder all the responsibility for the situation.
Spread The Word
When asked what she wished someone had done to intervene during her ordeal, Sarah reflected, “I wish law enforcement had cared. I wish my mother had tried harder to get me help. But as for strangers—I wish they had seen me. And I wish somebody had told me that I wasn’t alone, and where I could get help.”
If you’re reading this, know that SafeHouse is here for survivors. We’re dedicated to helping those in need—even if they aren’t ready to leave their situations right away. We offer services like shelter for families, counseling, assistance with pet placement through Shelby Safe Pet, and comprehensive sexual assault services. Our mission is to ensure that no one faces abuse alone.
By incorporating SafeHouse into your intervention toolkit, you can help spread the word about our services. Help us get help to those who need it. Every bit of support counts in the fight to break the cycle of violence.
Thank you for taking the time to learn about the importance of bystander intervention. Let’s all commit to being the ones who step up and support those in need.
* Sarah is a pseudonym used to protect the survivor’s privacy and safety.
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