What Adults Can Do About Teen Dating Violence

February marks Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, an initiative dedicated to shedding light on the pervasive issue of abuse in teenage relationships. As parents, guardians, and mentors, we can play a critical role in prevention and intervention, and in support for teenage survivors. This month is an opportunity for us to equip ourselves with the necessary tools to help our teens have healthier relationships. So what can adults do about teen dating violence? We can recognize the signs, understand the risks, and, finally, foster safe, open communication with our teenagers.

Sarah’s Story

Approximately 1.5 million high schoolers in the United States experience physical abuse from a dating partner every year. Sarah’s parents never thought their daughter would be included in that number. They had raised her in a supportive, non-violent household. Sarah had a warm, caring community of friends and family who loved her endlessly. Sarah’s parents had taught her to expect the best from people. However, they didn’t talk about domestic violence. They didn’t know the warning signs of abuse in teenage relationships. Sarah’s parents didn’t see a need to warn her about something that didn’t seem possible. They thought they were protecting her.

After four long and miserable years of physical and emotional abuse, the truth finally came out. Sarah’s parents were shocked and dismayed. They jumped into action to help her through the breakup and the long process of healing. But Sarah wonders how her teenage years could have been different. If she or her family had the language or a better understanding of the risks and warning signs, would Sarah have been able to get out sooner? Read more of Sarah’s story here.

The Statistics

Studies show that 81% of parents do not consider Teen Dating Violence to be a significant issue. However, in reality, one in three adolescents in the U.S. is a survivor of physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal abuse from a dating partner. There is no other kind of youth violence that happens at this rate. Girls and young women between the ages of 16 and 24 experience the highest rate of intimate partner violence. This rate is almost triple the national average. But boys are not immune. The CDC reports that 15% of young men experience dating violence before age 18.

What is Teen Dating Violence?

Teen Dating Violence includes physical, psychological or sexual abuse; harassment; or stalking of any person ages 12 to 18 in the context of a past or present romantic or consensual relationship:

Physical Abuse: hitting, biting, shoving, hair pulling, scratching
Emotional or Psychological Abuse: name calling, bullying, shaming, intentionally embarrassing, constant monitoring
Sexual Abuse: forcing a teen partner to engage in a sexual act against or without their consent
Stalking: Repeatedly following or harassing a teen partner in a way that causes them reasonable fear for their safety or well-being (TeenDVMonth.org)

Abuse Can Be Hidden:

Dating violence often happens where parents don’t see it. Given that much of teen relationships occurs on apps and online, it can be easy for adults to miss the signs. The abuse usually starts so slowly that even the person being abused may not realize what is happening. Sarah says that for the first 6 – 8 months of her relationship, things felt perfect. And when the abuse did start, to Sarah, it seemed like love and concern. She writes:

Slowly little things were said that I initially thought came from a caring place: “wow you look like you have gained weight”, “you really think that guy was hitting on you? I mean not many guys like a girl your size and a flat chest”, “I don’t like when you wear those shorts, they are way too short. I just love you so much I hate it when other men look at you”. Of course I felt loved. It made me feel like he loved me so much that it hurt him when other men paid attention to me. It made sense to me that the least I could do was not wear shorts that attracted the attention that made him uncomfortable (Sarah’s Story).

Her boyfriend’s behavior changed slowly over time until their relationship was unrecognizable. But Sarah had never been educated about the warning signs of abuse. She kept thinking if she did what he asked, they could get back to the happy, loving couple they’d been at the start.

The Impact of Shame

The abuse also made Sarah feel deeply ashamed. Many teenagers believe they are to blame for the abuse they’re experiencing. Therefore, they believe they deserve it or that they will be punished for it. They don’t turn to adults for help. Their abusers may also threaten to hurt them or their families if they ever tell. As a result, it is important for the adults in a teenager’s life to be sensitive to the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship or abuse.

Warning Signs

If you notice any of the following warning signs, especially if several are present, it’s possible your teen may be experiencing dating violence:

Is your teen withdrawing from school activities?
Has your teen become secretive, ashamed or hostile to (or isolated from) parents, family or friends because of the relationship?
Does your teen’s partner call many times a night or show up unexpectedly to “check up”?
Does your teen apologize for their partner’s behavior?
Has your teen stopped hanging out with friends?
Does your teen have physical bruises, signs of injury or damaged personal property? Be aware of explanations that seem out of place or changes in make-up or dress.
Do you suspect your teen is abusing alcohol or drugs? This could be a teen’s response to pressure from her/his partner. It may also be an attempt to numb pain or emotions (The Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness).

How to Help

Empower Teens in their Relationships

One of the best ways to practice prevention around teen dating violence is to empower your teenager in their own relationships. Talk to your teen about healthy and unhealthy relationships whenever you can. Teen Dating Violence Expert Shailaja Dixit says, that showing a teen what a “healthy relationship” looks like is at the heart of preventing abusive ones:

“It’s really the ability to feel like you’re equal when you’re with your partner. Is there humor? Is there respect? Do you feel scared when you voice an opinion, or are you heard and received? Do you feel physically safe? Do you feel mentally safe? Is there respect for boundaries?”

Help your teenager realize that healthy relationships are rooted in a deep appreciation for oneself and others. Teach consent as an ongoing and enthusiastic agreement in any interaction, ensuring that both parties are willing participants in all aspects of the relationship. Emphasize the importance of building trust through honestly, reliability, and consistent positive behavior. Reinforce the importance of setting clear boundaries in relationships, emphasizing that boundaries are fundamental elements that promote safety, autonomy, and respect. Finally, encourage teens to articulate their personal boundaries and to respect the boundaries of others.

Watch The Difference between Healthy and Unhealthy Love, a Ted Talk by Katie Hood if you, like many of us, could use a refresher on the characteristics of healthy and unhealthy relationships. Even better: watch with your teenager, and have a discussion together afterwards.

Practice Good Communication

When having conversations with your teenager, about dating violence and in general, aim for respect and patience. Many teenagers who are victims of dating violence do not turn to their parents for help because they are embarrassed, ashamed, or afraid they will be punished. Therefore, approach all discussions with an open mind and avoid judgement or criticism. Acknowledge your teen’s opinions and feelings, and, above all, try to create an environment where your teen feels comfortable expressing their feelings without fear of being judged or dismissed.

For a fantastic list of preventive conversation starters for you and your teen, see this comprehensive guide for parents from Love Is Not Abuse.

If you suspect your teen is being abused and would like additional suggestions, check out the Parents’ Guide to Teen Dating Violence from the Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness & Action. This guide contains tips for how to start and have the tough conversations. It also provides information on what NOT to say.

Reach Out for Help

If you know or suspect your teen is in an abusive relationship, neither of you need face it alone. In fact, it may be imperative that you reach out for professional help, especially if your teen is ready to end the relationship. Breakups are the most dangerous time in any abuse situation. Developing a safety plan with a trained advocate is the best way to protect your teen.

SafeHouse: offers free and confidential safety planning and counseling services to survivors ages 14 and up. SafeHouse supports Shelby, Coosa, Clay, and Chilton Counties in Alabama. Call 205-669-7233 (SAFE). Visit our website to learn more about safety planning and how to get help.

Love is Respect: offers support, information, and advocacy to young people affected by dating abuse. Text “LOVEIS” to 22522 or call 1-866-9474 for assistance.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) (TTY: 1-800-787-3224) or visit www.thehotline.org for 24/7 confidential support, crisis intervention, and resources.